The myth about virginity in african marriages

A successful marriage depends on a lot of factors. Compatibility, the age at which you get married, your shared beliefs, and how well you communicate and trust each other throughout your marriage all play a factor. Of course, even if you check off all these boxes, it doesn’t mean your marriage will last!

In the ever-changing world, the one thing that people still can’t accept openly is losing the virginity before marriage. It is a sensitive topic especially in the regions where people are more attached with their culture and values

Do you really think losing virginity before marriage is a factor for filing for divorce?

Failed marriages


This Post Has 52 Comments

  1. Okwute

    Virginity has been quite the issue amongst Nigerians. There’s been quite the influence from the Western World…. Which combat our moral values here.
    Now our morals consist of the cultural factor and the religious factor. Which is why someone with a different viewpoint on religion or someone of a different cultural stance would most likely have conflicting opinions on whether you should be a virgin before marriage or not.
    Personally, I don’t care. If you want to be celibate before marriage, I’m not bothered. If you’ve been rammed sufficiently before marriage… That too is your choice. I don’t believe all the story that people’s spirits get mixed abi United when they have sex. That’s because I’m not religious. I feel like if you’re not a virgin, the least you can do is to tell your fiancé, before marriage and then you both will decide if the marriage will hold or not.

    Now I also know that there’s a stigma for ladies who are not virgins. But ask yourself this,

    “why would your husband go and report your virginity status to your folks?”
    Three possibilities…
    1.He isn’t really in love with you… He just wants a previously celibate partner

    2. You lied to him about your virginity status and gave him hope for something I don’t know about (still kinda weird he’d report for this)

    3. He’s a vampire that feeds on hymen blood.

    And there’s also that issue that not all ladies bleed when eventually disvirgined probably due to little or no breakdown of the hymen wall.
    (For those reading, the hymen is like the usual signifier for virginity status… I can’t really tell where it is [cuz I’m not a lady], but it is broken during penetrative sex and a little blood spills).

    It’s not everytime a lady bleeds when she has sex for the first time for various reasons.
    I for one, don’t understand why people look forward to having blood on their genitals. I guess there’s a pride with disvirgining a lady.. but the pride is going to be gone quick if I see blood on my nuts.
    Probably along with my libido…. And My sheets…. And the mattress.

    In a slightly related nutshell. Ladies may or may not bleed during their first sex. Have sex whenever you want to have sex but it all depends on your morals. If you meet someone with conflicting morals, don’t force the relationship… You’re doing yourself.
    And if you’re not a virgin, make it known to your would-be spouse before marriage because you never know if he has issues regarding virginity and you don’t want to be married like that.

    Love is a key factor sha… If there’s love, it wouldn’t really bother him. (Except you’ve had a train run on you, then he “might” be bothered).
    But to each…his own

  2. Toke

    Lots of people cherish virginity but it shouldn’t be the key factor. Not bleeding doesn’t necessarily mean a lady isn’t a virgin. This shit hurts a lot esp when the husband keeps accusing the lady. Tbh it’s not for ladies to keep themselves for a man esp someone getting married late.
    I believe trust is the main issue. Some people love their wives but still have trust is ssues. If you really trust your wife,how won’t you believe her when she insists she’s virgin even if she doesn’t bleed. I don’t think virginity is something ppl lie about.
    I agree it’s good to inform your partner if you’re not a virgin before getting married so avoid stories that touch.

  3. Beck davids

    I didn’t even bleed too
    I didn’t feel pain, maybe because I was so active in sports…..I was assistant sports perfect during my secondary days and I’m a little flexible even if everyone used to warn me that I could tear my hymen

    My first time was so embarrassing because the guy said I wasn’t a virgin

    I guess I had sex with him because I thought I was in love
    I was stupid then sha and till date I haven’t forgotten about the incident

    Anytime I lay down to sleep….memories of what happened that day keep flooding in my head

    I guess I’ll never be able to get over it, that’s why I hate males now

    I don’t even want to get married, or get into a relationship again

  4. Debbie

    Being a virgin or not being a virgin shouldn’t account for divorce in marriages because obviously if you and your spouse have reached the stage of marriage, then there should be more things attracting you guys to each other.
    The only problem is that most ladies lie about their virginity and that’s absolutely wrong because in the end, he’ll still find out and you’ll blame yourself whatever the outcome may be.


    It’s really disheartening to hear guys or men speak ill of decent ladies just cuz they r ignorant of certain facts😩🥺…
    They don’t even know anything about the anatomy and physiology of the female reproductive system,yet they spill nonsense from their mouth..all in the name of”THIS WAS WHAT WE WERE TAUGHT IN THOSE DAYS”.
    Ignorance and primitive thoughts….outdated teachings!!!🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
    We have come so far in this revolving world,for us to keep up with valid information.
    It’s hightime men updated our knowledge on such trivial issues,and stop causing women unnecessary pain psychologically.
    That’s not to say that any lady who isn’t a virgin should hide under the canopy of “THE HYMEN FACTOR”.👌
    If u r not,please tell ur partner and save urself unnecessary stress…Like my principle,IT IS BETTER TO HURT AT THE EARLY STAGE THAN DIE IN THE LATTER STAGE!!


  6. Juwon

    Turns out we still have a lot of stuffs to correct
    These guys need to know that bleeding during your first sex isn’t a true test of virginity
    In fact it’s a fraud
    Normally the bleeding during your first sex is as a result of the tearing of a layer called the hymen
    Once the penis enters the Virgina the hymen tears.
    Before now we use to think every female has an hymen but it turns out we were wrong.
    Later studies showed that some women aren’t born with the hymen. So no hymen no bleeding on the first sex.
    As time went on we realized that physical activities like jogging, cycling or exercises in general can lead to the tearing of the hymen without the lady knowing
    So torn hymen no bleeding during sex.
    So right now there is really no way to test for virginity

  7. Promise

    Actually,virgin or not
    It doesn’t really matter the fact remains that the relationship should be built on love,trust and understanding.
    I’m tagged weird and old fashioned whenever I tell a guy I’ll wait till I get married.
    The temptation is just crazy ,I guess I’m having trust issues coz I’m a jealous person😂
    Maybe, just maybe I’m one of those that over hypes sex.

    1. Hormonhyee93

      U don’t need to hype sex…… of the things you have to be psychologically ready for

  8. People’s mindset about virgins nd non-virgins is totally wrong nd very very unaccepted no cap.
    If u find a virgin fine it doesn’t mean she is holier or better than a non-virgin though I’m nt in anyway disregarding pple’s religious point of view (I just like to comment on a very neutral ground).
    There is sumtin I refer to as virgin by lack of opportunity that is those pple were never in situations where their urges were tested so in dat case u can’t really say that the person is holy or not.

    1. Sage

      Please sir there is nothing like be virgin by chance
      In as much that marriage should be solely based on virginity per say

      1. Sage

        Sorr, I mean marriage should NOT be based on person virginity

  9. YCDB

    Swears,😁 there’s this secret prayer I use to stylishly make that I bleed on my first time of sex. 🤣 That’s a crazy thought but honestly people nowadays won’t believe one is a virgin if they don’t see blood,which is not suppose to be . As far as I’m concerned ladies are different,some get to see their blood and some don’t.

  10. Daddy Daniel

    Looking at this virginity issue from my point of view, there are various ways of ascertaining if she’s a virgin even if she don’t bleed..
    1. Pain; her pussy will be tight, no matter how, she go feel am at least to an extent.
    2. She’ll be a little distracted; you probably won’t understand why she’s distracted but a phase of her life has just been opened (only the observant dudes will know sha)
    3. You know she’s a sports person; there’s a possibility that her hymen is broken (benefit of doubt)
    Bros enjoy the ride jare, it’s for better, for worse..
    Its preferable the ladies come out plain, some guys might even prefer you be an expert in bedmatics..
    TRUST between you both is Paramount!

  11. Hormonhyee93

    Don’t have any medical opinion to thread on this buh something insightful,I’m not one of the fan for Virgin Mary,I have my past and so she has hers……. though can’t go into relationship leading to marriage with a lady who almost flirt around hanging her legs at every cuddles or opportunity buh onething is that I’m only after a lady who sees me as a soulmate, someone ready to go into the journey of life with me
    Virginity wasn’t the reason I married her for…..I married her for her responsibility

  12. Well this is a very sensitive topic and it plays a major role in marriages.
    Yes many people do not have the courage to admitting to losing their virginity before marriage but it does matter.
    In our ever changing world, people wish to marry virgins which now seems almost impossible and with this development it will lead to many marital problems.
    Taking myself as an example I do wish to marry one but I don’t hope to see one so we just all take it how we see it. It’s best the couple have good abstinence before marriage and to be psychologically, physically and maritally ready before losing his or her virginity.
    Like many will say, they didn’t marry for their virginity but because of what they felt for each other.

  13. Precious

    Do they want want to drink the blood ni…
    Some kind things just annoy me…
    will the blood make the sex sweeter or orgasm longer…
    Even somebody you want to marry if hymen is a criteria when you are not a virgin you are either a fucked up human being or bias….
    Some people are not born with hymen so what should they do…
    What about those that implant the hymen… Does it make them virgins again
    Human beings 🤦🏽‍♂️🤦🏽‍♂️

  14. Pharm Nens

    The age at which one gets married matters less compared to the level of maturity and understanding about marriage.

    About virginity, it depends on the both partners understanding of it…Even though it’s the best gift one can give to her husband it still shouldn’t be a priority in marriage because everyone that has lost theirs have different stories behind it. If one has genuine love and respect for a woman then it would matter less wether she bleeds or not.

  15. Anonymous

    Hmmmm even me my self I’m scared of this whole no hymen thing but one thing I strongly hold onto is I’ll marry a medical personnel who of course knows his onions and understand that not all virgins are going to bleed during the first time so that keeps me unbothered I’ll say 😂😂😂

  16. Fatimah

    Since you guys are saying a girl must be a virgin,that there must be blood on her wedding night
    The guy should also be a virgin
    What is the indicator for boys that are virgin o
    you dont expect your wife to be virgin while you are not one
    And Also science has proven it to us that exercise can cause a womans hymen to break thus no blood
    some hymen are also thick that it after the fourth intercouse it will rupture
    more or so
    A girl who lost her virginity can go for hymenoplasty(an hymen surgery) just to deceive you
    And even some circumstances can lead to the lose of a females virginity
    shemay have being raped,when she was young
    Also hymen should not be used to determine the virginity of a lady because some may go for hymenoplasty
    And if they go for it there will be no difference betwen those who are truly virgins and those who are not
    Lastly you guys should stop judging women up and down
    when you have also slept with lot of them
    you guys are the ones taking our virginity and you still expect your future wife to be one
    when you are sleeping with them
    you dont know they are also someones wife abi
    you are busy sleeping with others future wife and you expect guys like you not to have slept with your own wife too
    i rest my case here jare

  17. Ajao Blessing

    The old age belief and custom has brainwashed a lot of people. We were told that once a virgin has sex for the first time, the hymen breaks or pops which results to bleeding. Do we even know what an hymen is?????
    An Hymen is a piece of thin fleshy tissue covering part of the virginia.
    This tissue with time stretches across the virginia which later wears off. Not everyone is born with an hymen, does it mean the lost their virginity in their mothers womb????
    Some have imperforate hymen which even makes it difficult to menstruate therefore resulting in the need of a surgical operation to cut open the hymen,does it mean they lost their virginity????
    How can a piece of tissue even break or make a pop sound like???????
    See if you decide to know talk about the wildness,it still doesn’t prove anything coz some people virginia is like a four lane expressway,yet they have never had sex. There is no particular test that can even be done to prove a 100% accuracy about virginity.
    The causes for bleeding most time during sex is the tension which makes the muscles unrelaxed which could result to a friction leading to pain and could cause bleeding. Mind you, those who engage in straineous exercises tend to have their hymen worn off quickly than others who don’t.

    To the guys getting offended about not getting married to a virgin, deep within you. ARE YOU A VIRGIN?????
    You go about sleeping with various girls, you may even be the one to disvirgin some, didn’t you think of it that they would also be someone’s wife someday??? When you know you wouldn’t get married to her, why lie to her and have sex with her then you go about shouting that you want to get married to a Virgin. How would you feel if it were to be your sister????

  18. Nana eeshert

    Personally, I don’t think virginity is everything, I ain’t saying it’s bad to be a virgin.but when u truly love someone it shouldn’t matter if the person is a virgin or not. And if u feel like u really want a virgin it’s where communication.ask and know d person ure marrying be truthful and come clean to ur partner to avoid unnecessary drama

  19. Bliss

    My answer to the question is No
    Losing or retaining one’s virginity before marriage is not a guarantee that the marriage would last and definitely should not be considered as a factor for divorce!!
    What if she was raped?
    What if she lost it by rupture due to a strenuous activity at the laps downwards?
    First, ladies please don’t dull your head, during courtship let him know if you’re a virgin or not and let him decide if he wants to continue or not; then don’t forget to ask him if he’s a virgin or not and decide if you want to be with him or not. If a guy can decide to leave you cos you’re not a virgin then you also get to decide if you want to be with him or not based on his virginity, simple 🙂 it’s a win win.
    Besides there’s no 100% guaranteed way of knowing if one’s a virgin or not. And if he wants to leave you cos you’re not a virgin ask him how he would feel if it were his beloved sister that was dumped cos she isn’t a virgin 😉and ask him what should happen to those girls that he took away their virginity

  20. Jakasi Ghasi

    If she lies to me that she is a virgin and on the wedding night I find out it was a lie then yes she has to go. The bedrock of marriage is honesty and trust. If she can start lieing before the marriage then I wonder what new lies she will invent after marriage which is something I can’t stand. But if she tells me ahead of time she isn’t a virgin and I still want to marry her then is no issue. So my own is dependent on what she told me before marriage. I can’t start a marriage with lies

    1. Toke

      What if she claims to be a virgin but there was no blood? Would you trust her and believe she was a virgin?

    2. ola

      Bro haven’t you lied before😂😂
      This is something you can settle amicably
      There is no need to cause heartbreak
      Marriage is more than just honesty

  21. Caleb

    If the man was deceived into believing shes a virgin and finds out on the wedding night that she is not, if he feels pained and decides to divorce her… I wouldnt blame him.

  22. Oluigbo CE

    If the man was deceived into believing shes a virgin and finds out on the wedding night that she is not, if he feels pained and decides to divorce her… I wouldnt blame him.

  23. Gbemisola

    Losing virginity before marriage shouldn’t cause divorce. As long as the lady didn’t lie to the guy. And all this shit is happening cos guys believe there’s a way to determine if a lady is virgin it not,how do we know if the guy is also a virgin?

    Being a virgin doesn’t even mean the lady is holy or pious. What if she had anal sex,oral sex or even masturbates?

    I guess there’s a need to redefine the word ‘virginity’.

  24. Tylenol

    Abeg, don’t try to bring any rational thought from this “loosing virginity before marriage”. Forget Western world, you’re in Africa, have morals and be calming down, what’s with the rush…?
    Abstain from sex before marriage simple, whether you bleed or not during your wedding night, a reasonable man will know if you’re a virgin or not.
    So all ladies should just chill, don’t use yourself anyhow before marriage trying to make sense of it and expect your future husband not to file a divorce against you…
    Life is more than pleasure.

    1. Raphael

      Imagine thinking Africans have morals… LMFAOOOOO, one of the reasons why we’ll never move far is attaching emotions to things we should be logical about. You better jazz up, I’m not saying ladies should use themselves anyhow, I’m just saying do not be the judge of that.
      Everybody have at one point done something they may not be proud of but you don’t get to judge.

    2. Joanney

      Nonsense… Then you men should also keep yourselves if that should be the case… You yourself, are u a virgin?
      You men be looking for virgin wives but y’all ain’t virgins at all
      That a woman is no longer a virgin doesn’t make her less of a woman or a wife.. Forget african culture, this is the 21st century..
      You people will be looking for virgin wives but can’t date a girl without having sex with her… The ones y’all are having sex with and breaking their virginity, won’t they also be someone else’s wife?

    3. Gbemisola

      Just wooow
      Africa depicts moral?

    4. Gbemisola

      So those men that still label their virgin wives harlot cos they didn’t bleed on first night aren’t reasonable?🤔🤔Noted then.

      And if this life is really more than pleasure then guys should stop attaching too much importance on virginity like their life depends on it.
      Funny enough,most of them aren’t virgins
      It sucks

  25. Raphael

    I don’t understand why this still has to be a sensitive issue, why do we attach women’s dignity to their virginity? Personally, I couldn’t care less if a woman’s a virgin or not, I’d tell all the ladies out there to not let anybody shame them with virginity. Your dignity is in your ability to think, be intelligent, have good emotional intelligence and make sure you aren’t myopic.
    Virginity should not determine if a marriage should last or not, we the younger generation should do better while trying to bring our children up so that they don’t attach so much intelligence into something so minute, I mean women lose their virginity through vigorous exercise and some have been victims of circumstances. A lot of men have had sex before marriage but you never see much importance attached to it.
    Please live your life, enjoy it to the fullest, someone will love you the way you are.
    P.s I’m a guy and this is logical reasoning we should all try to adapt

    1. Joanney

      Finally a guy with wisdom. You’ve spoke words of wisdom jare…. Please tell them let them hear it well

  26. Lool, ok I knew people were going to get this wrong so firstly let me clear It out. Virginity is not judged based on presence of hymen, why because males do not have it and also hymen could break due to various things.
    Being a virgin means he or she HAS NOT -had sex before, ok so moving on, virginity IS NOT a reason for divorce because before marriage una suppose don discuss what is and what not, so therefore, if you want virgin(male or female that HAS NOT HAD SEX)look for them, they’re there and if you don’t mind someone that has had sex, then no problem. Everyone knows what they want. Again virginity is based on if you’ve had sex not on some hymen

  27. Tope

    Well,there are many ways virginity can be lost,the lady might not have sex and still yet lost her virginity or more or less break her hymen during sport,masturbation,etc.When you’re in a relationship, there’s no how a guy wouldn’t ask for sex if he’s someone that has had one before and knows the pleasure one derives from having sex,the girl might be fingered during rough romance and breaks her hymen during the process without knowing.Even in this situation,some girls still claim they are virgins because a penis hasn’t been inserted into thier vagina.That’s why even if a lady is born with hymen in the first place,she might not see any sign of blood during her first sex because of the mentality of inserting a penis into the vagina as sex….Also based on marraige,viginity shouldn’t have anything to do with divorce or not coz most people have gone through a lot during courtship as regards to having sex or not.I feel everything should be based on trust, honesty and understanding coz it’s not as if if you disvirgin your wife she can’t still fornicate and if you didn’t marry her as a virgin,she can’t still be loyal…..let’s just be guided

  28. AquaFortis

    I don’t think virginity should be a key factor to divorce
    First who is a virgin *a lady that hasn’t had sex before* that’s what the answer would always be. And it’s measured with the hymen pricinciple. But the truth of the matter is that you can’t really tell who is really a virgin because
    Not every woman has a hymen
    Not all bleeds during first intercourse
    The hymen is not only erupted by sexual activities but also by some physical exercise like splitting and even bicycle riding
    So what’s actually the use divorcing a woman and using virginity as an excuse
    It doesn’t really make sense it’s just a way of disgracing the woman so to me virginity should not be a factor for divorce
    But at the same time if you’re a woman just let your spouse know your current status before getting married to avoid unnecessary disgrace and if he really loves you it won’t matter to him

  29. So what if the lady lost her virginity due to unfortunate events? What if she’s a victim of sexual abuse? Does it mean she shouldn’t get married? Or that she doesn’t deserve love? What if she lost it by mistake or foolish decisions and she doesn’t repeat the mistake, does it make her a loose person? What about men? How do you even know if he’s a virgin or not? Or is it that men are not supposed to be virgins too?
    I do not believe that being a non-virgin should be a reason for divorce. It depends on how much the man trusts his wife and vice versa and also honesty in the relationship. If she’s not she should come clean about it to avoid trouble and if the man decides not to marry her because of that then he’s not the right person for her. The right person won’t even mind if she’s a virgin or not.

  30. Hmmn, this topic cannot be over emphasized , come to think of it ‘what were you guys talking about during courtship? ‘If your communication skills where used effectively, you’d know either of you is no longer a virgin. From how timid and shy your partner can be when you try to caress them, or how they react when a private part of the body is visible unknowingly. Then an educated man should be aware of the hymen and how it varies among females. How can one be so clueless. Well if you really really love your spouse, virginity shouldn’t be an issue.

  31. DlamaTheGreat

    No, it is not and it should not be a factor filing a divorce.
    First of all, A woman’s dignity should never be tied to her virginity. Being virgin or not has nothing to do with how virtuous a woman is.

    Secondly, some people are of the misconception that not bleeding during the first sex means the lady is not a virgin. That’s not true at all. The hymen, which is a soft tissue at the entrance of the vagina, responsible for the bleeding during vaginal penetration, can be expanded, even torn before time due to non-sexual activities like excercise etc. And also, some women are naturally born with very little hymen, which means, whether they didn’t exercise or have sex, there will be no blood on the first night.
    Third of all, It’s sexist to focus only on whether the woman is virgin and not care about the guy being virgin or not. I mean if virginity is that important to the couple, then both should be virgins. And since there is no sure way of ascertaining the status of both couple, I believe they should sort things out honestly and fully before marriage.

    Finally.. there’s a reason people date before wedding. It’s so that values and standards are fully established. It’s so that there’s full understanding of one another. People date and are transparent to each other, and understand what they expect from one another. It’s very advisable to speak to your partner about things like things.

  32. Meeeeeee

    Hearing things like “what if she lost her virginity through exercise” breaks my heart. Wait up. You can’t lose virginity from any type of exercise. All you can lose is your hymen. And that HYMEN ISN’T VIRGINITY.
    Virginity is a factor of sexual experience or lack of it, there of. Not the hymen!!! Not the hymen!!! She could still be a virgin with no hymen. So many factors could be the cause of that. She could have had a tampon or menstrual cup in there that broke the hymen. BROKEN HYMEN DOESN’T MEAN NO VIRGINITY.
    So not bleeding the 1st time should never NEVER ever be a determinant for whether she’s virgin or not. If you really want to know, if she’s a virgin or not…
    She’s the only one that can answer that question! So ask her! And believe what she tells you if you wish. Just stop measuring virginity with that membrane. O wrong naw.
    And yeah, sexual purity for both MALE and female is very very very good. It’s the best. It can’t even be underestimated. Our first timers should be people we have tied the knot with.
    But measuring that sexual purity with a woman’s hymen is just bleeehhhh.

  33. ameerah

    In my opinion losing your virginity before marriage isn’t a cause for divorce cause they are instances which can call for lost of virginity but if it’s because you want to please a guy or any other unreasonable reason I think it’s best to wait for the right person which will be done after wedlock cause I know of a couple where the lady entered the relationship without her virginity and even though there are happily married with kids there is still this sense of insecurity in the husband’s side anytime she keeps late or she goes on a business trip that even though the lady is ok but there will always be this sense of doubt coming from the husband cause of a silly mistake and you can’t blame the guy

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